Ed's Review Dot Com

Summit Entertainment, Sunswept Entertainment, TSBD Canada Productions,

Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Taylor Lautner, Peter Facinelli, Ashley Greene, Kellan Lutz, Jackson Rathbone, Elizabeth Reaser, Nikki Reed, Billy Burke, Maggie Grace, Jamie Campbell Bower, Michael Sheen, Anna Kendrick

Bella (Kristin Stewart) and Edward (Robert Pattinson) get married, and take off to a private island where the Cullins family has a resort, vacation home. Bella becomes pregnant, but immediately the baby is bad for her, as she is still human. This also alerts the Quileutes of the danger this baby is to them. They set out to destroy this baby and possibly the whole town of Forks.

Ok. Here I go making enemies of all the die hard Twilight fans. I’ve never read the books, and I’m not invested in the story where it rules my life. I have stayed up with the tale since the beginning, but I’m not one of those who camps out for 3 days outside the theater to be the first in line to see the movie, obviously, since I waited till it was out on DVD. I truly feel the films have been getting weaker and weaker as the series moves on, and this one was rather pathetic as adventure movies go. There is nothing happening here that makes much sense. Bella gets pregnant, as a human, by a vampire. Now, according to the story, this is supposed to be impossible. Well I guess so. Vampires are dead. They’re cold, and they have no heartbeat, and I guess no blood or other bodily fluids, yet she’s able to get pregnant. Then, of course, because of the superhuman powers of the vampire, a perfectly looking human baby is fully developed and born in one month, cutting the standard time of gestation 9 times. Now this is a fantasy, so we have to suspend the normal laws of science, I understand. There really aren’t sparkly people. But if we do that, then how are we supposed to get involved in the drama of the difficulties of this miraculous pregnancy anyway? And there’s not much action here either. Yeah, the Wolf people are a bit ticked off, but nothing really happens. Besides, as tough as the wolves are, it’s hard to believe that they’re much of a threat to vampire people with ultra human strength (If a wolf tries to bite you, you’re not going to bleed, and you can just thrown them into the next county! And if all else fails, you climb the highest tree in five tenths of a second anyway, and wolves don’t climb trees. All in all I found this to be by far the weakest story of all, and though I know many people are truly invested in the beautiful wedding and love story between Bella and Edward, I didn’t find that worthy enough of a huge blockbuster film like this.

I guess that the film maker had a tough call, as they could probably have made the story better by compressing part one and part two into a single film and cutting out the fluff, but there are two major reasons not to do that. First, the Twi-hards are going to be extremely pissed off if they skip any of the canoodling between Edward and Bella as they’ve been waiting for that forever, and secondly, mega-$$$$$$$$$.

Then another thing I just didn’t get? What was with the horrible music in the soundtrack? I made the mistake of turning on captioning, so I got to see the words to these strange pieces of music. What they hell was that?

For example, this is the lovely lyrics to the beautiful wedding scene:

I was a quick wet boy, diving too deep for coins
All of your street light eyes wide on my plastic toys
Then when the cops closed the fair, I cut my long baby hair
Stole me a dog-eared map and called for you everywhere

Have I found you
Flightless bird, jealous, weeping or lost you, american mouth
Big pill looming

[ From: http://www.metrolyrics.com/flightless-bird-american-mouth-lyrics-iron-wine.html ]
Now I’m a fat house cat
Nursing my sore blunt tongue
Watching the warm poison rats curl through the wide fence cracks
Pissing on magazine photos
Those fishing lures thrown in the cold
And clean blood of Christ mountain stream

Have I found you
Flightless bird, grounded, bleeding or lost you, american mouth
Big pill stuck going down

Now if I were getting married, this would certainly not be a prime choice for the wedding dance.

Some other great musical moments:
And if I was you
I’d use the loo
Before the long drive
We compliment each other
Just like Satan and Christ
I wear my hair fizzy
I don’t copy no style
Cause kissin and a scrubbin
Has consequences
You’re on the bus again
Past big ben
With your rip off oyster card
Tell your A.S.B.O. friend
To sling his hook and “go make your girl smile”

Then one last complaint, and then I’ll shut up. I was shocked at the closing credits. In Monty Python and the Holy Grail, one of the great jokes is how the people who created the credits have been sacked, and the people who were responsible for sacking the people who created the credit have also been sacked. What we’re left with is crappy put together credits that look like any 5 year old could have put them together. This is what the closing credits looked like to me. It was like they spent 3 dollars on creating these red and yellow text flash cards. It was like one of the old 1960′s spaghetti western credits which were done in English to overlay the original Italian credits or something. I thought it really weird.

So basically I’m going to stop and open the gates for the people who love Twilight to attack me for not getting this, and I probably deserve it, but I have to admit that I was really sorely disappointed after watching the last two Potter films to see this as the end of Twilight. I could have skipped it and not missed anything worthwhile. Sorry.

EdG – EdsReview Dot Com – A Movie Review Blog

Movie Rentals Releasing Tuesday February 21, 2012

• Puss in Boots
• Tower Heist [Click Here for Eds Review]
• J. Edgar
• The Way
• Martha Marcy May Marlene
• The Mighty Macs

Reliance Big Pictures, Loubyloo Productions, Eden Rock Media

Tyler Labine, Alan Tudyk, Katrina Bowden, Jesse Moss, Philip Granger, Brandon Jay McLaren, Christie Laing, Chelan Simmons, Alex Arsenault, Travis Nelson, Karen Reigh

Two self declared “hillbillies” have a mountain home near the lake. They’re on their way up to the house which Tucker (Alan Tudyk) has sunk all his fortune (maybe a few hundred dollars, who knows) into for some fishing and fixing up the property a bit. They have a cooler full of beer and are raring to go. Dale (Tyler Labine) is a bit more scatterbrained, but they are out for a good time, and nothing else. Meanwhile, a bunch of college kids have the same idea, to visit the lake, camp out, do some skinny dipping, and have a great time. In a series of weird coincidences bodies start piling up and there appears to be a fearsome serial killer at work.

This is a really funny film. Some years ago Matthew Broderick came out with a funny, funny film about the town of Buzzsaw called “Out on a Limb”. If you haven’t seen that one, it’s hysterical. (There are two hillbillies named Jim who live together. Jim gets stuck in a pit and Jim is looking for him. Jim calls out “Jim” and Jim replies “Jim!” Then Jim says, “Jim” and Jim answers “Jim” to which Jim yells is that you or is that me? Now that’s my kind of humor. Well Tucker and Dale are just like the two Jims. They aren’t too bright, but in this case the kids aren’t much brighter. One mistake after another, everyone’s jumping to conclusions here, and they ALL have the worst luck I have ever seen.

This movie has some real gore. But it’s funny gore. It’s making fun of those “Friday the 13th” kids camping out at Crystal Lake kind of movies, and they copy the type of gory death scenes from those movies, but with a hysterical amount of humor, so it’s not scary, it’s a laugh fest. Tucker and Dale are funny and the sheriff is a hoot. The college kids are stupid but the girls are pretty. What more could you ask for. This is available on Netflix Watch Instantly, and is a good add to your instant queue if you have one. Being it was a very little film with a miserable box office (222k anyone?) it is well worth tracking this down, as nobody has ever seen it, and it’s a shame. It’s really fun. Check it out.

EdG – EdsReview Dot Com – A Movie Review Blog

Red Band (R Rated) Trailer Below:

Bold Films, Odd Lot Entertainment, Marc Platt Productions,

Ryan Gosling, Carey Mulligan, Bryan Cranston, Albert Brooks, Oscar Isaac, Christina Hendricks, Ron Perlman

Ryan Gosling, in this film just known as “Driver” is a mysterious guy. He’s an excellent stunt driver who is able to pull off some awesome driving stunts. But in his down time, he’s an excellent getaway driver. If someone hires him, he will pick you up at the scheduled time, and get you away from the crime within a 5 minute window. But Driver meets another resident of his building, lovely Irene (Carey Mulligan) who is a single mom raising her young son. They become friends, and Driver helps her out, only to learn that her husband is in prison and just being released. Her husband is in a bad way, owing money to the mob, and so to free himself and his family from their influences, sets out on a simple robbery with Driver to pick them up, when everything goes wrong. Neither had any idea what a horrible mess they were getting themselves into, and it will try all Driver’s skill to stay one step ahead of everyone who’s after him.

This is actually a very good action film. As you may know, I’m not a fan of speed driving, car stealing films, but this has much more meat to the story than the typical “Gone in 60 Seconds” type of film. Ryan Gosling is a very introverted and shy person in this film who doesn’t speak much. This helps to make him much more mysterious. He’s got a lot going on, getaway driver, auto mechanic, stunt driver, he has a lot of jobs! He’s perfectly cast in this film, and it’s easy to identify with his plight as we go through the film. The rest of the cast is good too. There is plenty of story to go around, and yet there are breathtaking suspenseful car chases that are as good as any I’ve seen. This is an excellent rental for people who love action movies, especially the car chase movies. I can recommend it if you’re in the mood for a good action film.

EdG – EdsReview Dot Com – A Movie Review Blog

Incentive Filmed Entertainment, Next Films, Sierra Pictures (III),

Sara Paxton, Dustin Milligan, Chris Carmack, Katharine McPhee, Alyssa Diaz, Joel David Moore, Donal Logue, Joshua Leonard, Sinqua Walls, Chris Zylka

A group of college students take off on a weekend trip to a private island owned by Sara Palski’s (Sara Paxton) family. A beautiful mansion on a private island in Louisiana bordered by a salt water lake near the shore. What a perfect weekend for drinking, swimming, and general college debauchery. But when one of the friends loses and arm while water skiing, it becomes obvious that not only is there a vicious shark in the lake, but perhaps many, many hungry sharks. There is no cell phone reception out there, and the only ones who know she’s out there is a creepy sheriff who is an old friend of Sara’s and two really strange local guys, one of whom was Sara’s former boyfriend who she cut up with the propeller of her boat. They are in big trouble as they need medical attention and a lot of help, and have no way to contact anyone, and even if they can, they don’t know who they can trust.

This is a mediocre horror film. It is nothing more or less than what it sets out to be. Originally this was released in the theater in 3D as a gimmicky way of scaring up a few bucks. It didn’t do really great, mostly because there was a fair amount of competition. This is not a big enough film to attract a big mainstream audience to make a lot of money. But now it’s out on DVD and much most cost effective to watch, so is it a rental film? Well, it’s got pretty girls and handsome guys. It’s got college kids having a spring breakish kind of a good time on a gorgeous island. And it’s got blood, guts, and gore galore. So it’s got the basic elements of the typical teen horror flick, and it delivers on that level. Great acting is not so much present, nor is a splendid and clever plot. It’s fairly obvious with all the little horror flick bumps in the dark that make you scream. There were some effects thrown in for the 3D film that even required an itty-bitty rewind in order to see it again. So I rated this film right down the middle. If you’re looking for some substance, this isn’t it, for sure, but if you want a simple, mindless teen horror flick, then this gives you just what you pay for. Not bad, just remember the level that it’s on, and it doesn’t disappoint.

EdG – EdsReview Dot Com – A Movie Review Blog