Ed's Review Dot Com

CBS Films,  Escape Artists

Jennifer Lopez, Alex O’Laughlin, Michela Watkins, Eric Christian Olsen, Anthony Anderson, Noureen DeWulf, Melissa McCarthy, Tom Bosley, Linda Lavin,  Robert Klein, Ceasar Millan

Wow, this is a movie full of  “look how old he/she is now” moments!   Except for JLo of course who looks more beautiful than ever.   Stand-Up Comedian/HBO special guy Robert Klein plays the doctor.   Linda Lavin, Alice, from Alice the TV show is JLo’s “Nana”, and Tom Bosley plays her boyfriend of 22 years.  In fact, there’s a scene where he’s watching The Andy Griffith Show on TV, and Ritchie Cunningham, his son from another life, is playing the part of Opie Taylor.  Nice touch!  🙂  If the Baby Store clerk looks familiar, it’s Jennifer Elise Cox who played Jan Brady in The Brady Bunch Movie. (Marsha! Marsha! Marsha!).  And of course Mikela Watkins of SNL.

This is a romantic comedy, and yes, anther chick-flick.  A lot of guys aren’t going to like it, but actually it’s a pretty funny movie.  It’s better than some of the stuff JLo’s done before her two year hiatus to have kids!   Jennifer plays Zoe, a woman who is scared of the biological clock ticking away and has given up on finding Mr. Right.  So she decides to do it herself, and the movie opens with a funny scene where she has a meeting with Dr. Harris (Robert Klein) and a turkey baster!  On the way out, she says to him,  “You should give me a hug, because we may have just made a baby together” and he pats her on the shoulder and walks away.   Out into the rain where she gets into a fight over a cab with Mr. Right himself.

The movie moves along pretty fast, and has lots of fodder for jokes.  Three lovely Boston Terriers named  Nip, Tuck, and Nubbins share the role of “Nuts” the parapalegic dog with hind wheels, ala Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen.  (i.e. taking turns playing the part.)   There are jokes about being pregnant or finding out you’re pregnant.  The milk the bit about trying to tell him she’s pregnant.  There’s lots of jokes about their jobs and insecurites.  When things get rough for poor Stan (Alex O’Loughlin) Anthony Anderson shows up as “Playground Dad” to talk some sense into him.

There’s a switch as this is Girl meets Boy, Girl loses Boy, and Girl tries to win Boy back.  A bit of a reversal.  Zoe is a strong woman, but she was hurt really young and learned not to trust anybody.  Stan has his own insecurities living off his parents fortune, and has a lot to learn as well.  These two shouldn’t be able to put it together, but they do their best.

If you absolutely hate love stories, you might want to stay away, but if you have kids, or have ever thought of a life without kids, this might be fun to watch.  It’s got a good many good laughs, and don’t blame me if there’s a tear or two at the ending.

Thoughts of JLo searching through the dumpster for her special pillow is priceless!

Movie Rentals Releasing Today Tuesday August 31st, 2010

• Tyler Perry’s Why Did I Get Married Too?
• Marmaduke (Blockbuster Exclusive, Neflix – September)
• Harry Brown
• Diary of a Wimpy Kid (Netflix Release)

Treasure Entertainment

Ciarán Hinds, Iben Hjejle, Aidan Quinn, Dorothy Cotter, Eanna Hardwicke, Hannah Lynch, Jim Norton

The Eclipse is a ghost story that is a romance that is a mystery that is a story of grief.  This is another Netflix “Watch Instantly” film, and it’s an Irish film.  It’s a very deep story with well developed characters.   The biggest trouble I had was the fact that they whisper and mumble throughout the start, and many people give up after the first 10 minutes since it’s very hard to hear, especially if you’re not used to the very lovely Irish accent throughout.  The views are spectacular, and for spookiness, it has a lot going for it.   Michael is a recent widower, living with his 2 children.   He is not doing too well with the grief process.  He picks up an interest in ghost stories and becomes convinced something supernatural is happening in his house.  He meets a couple authors at a literary festival and forms a bond that changes everyone. 

There are some real shocks at the least expected times.  This starts to move the pointer toward the horror side, but most of the time is spent in developing the characters and their relationships.  Everyone is seeing ghosts.  Some are afraid, some are curious, some are obscessed. 

Warning:  This is not a teen slasher flick.  It’s deep and develops slowly.  The first 10 minutes or so are so quiet, and the characters talk so softly that you have to be patient and get past that part.  But in a while you get pulled in.  Is it real?  Is it a dream?   Or is someone just a little nuts?   And near the end, there is one of the funniest fight scenes since Borat!

Low Budget Pictures

Billy Garberina, Meredith Host, A.J. Stabone, Kurt Indovina, Jessica Stephens, Jason McCall

Finally, a “film” so BAD it’s not even listed on IMDB!  That’s a giveaway for sure.  If you’re familiar with director (?) Chris Seaver, then you know what you’re in for.  But this film has no nudity.  Still it can gross out better than anyone. (The image of  Dad pleasuring himself at the foot of his teen daughter’s bed is unfortunately something that won’t go away soon).  It’s gross.  The jokes are gross, and there’s a bunch of those “eeeww” moments for sure. 

But this is not one of those movies that is trying hard to be good, and failing miserably.  This is one which is trying to be AWFUL and succeeds grandly at that. 

This is the story of “Stella” a teenager who has to move to some podunk town to live with her father.  She meets some of the new kids in school.  One catches her eye right away.  He’s Edwin Mullin, Eraserhead hairdo and all!   The Mullins are vampires and the meet to play frisbee because it’s awsome when vampires play frisbee.  But love between Edwin and Stella is never consumated because Stella’s Dad gets in the way in one of the most disgusting scenes in movie history!   Not to mention there are a clan of enemies of the Mullins who have a tendency to turn into wolves, but everyone thinks they’re dogs.  They can also Moonwalk to beat the band.

This movie would get really irritating if went on too long, but Chris knows that, and cut it to 61 minutes.  One hour of awful filmaking.  There is no budget, so no special effects.  Trying to imitate Edwins fantastic speed is really funny, and killing means throwing some red fluid on a tree trunk!  Then there’s what happens when Vampires get into the sunlight!  It’s amazing what happens, and all I’ll say is it involves lots of bubbles.

You would swear this was a bunch of 15 years olds with a borrowed video camera.  But it’s not.  This is the “studio” that brought us

1. Terror at Blood Fart Lake
2. Wet Heat
3. Teenape Goes to Camp
4. Destruction Kings
5. Carnage for the Destroyer
6. Heather and Puggly Drop a Deuce
7. Heather and Puggly Crucify the Devil
8. Filthy McNastier: Maximum Dousche
9. Filthy McNastiest: Apocalypse F**k!
10. Ghoulish Chronicles from Bonejack High
11. Mulva 2: Kill Teen Ape!
12. 12 Inches of Dangling Fury
13. Filthy McNasty
14. Quest for the Egg Salad
15. Scrotal Vengeance
16. Anal Paprika 3: Menage-A-Death
17. Mulva: Zombie Ass Kicker!

And of course, the newest,  “I Spit Chew On Your Grave”

It’s funny how the reviews go of this film.  Most people are horrified and try to give it Zero stars.  It’s interesting because most of them say, “I turned it off after 5 minutes, or I couldn’t get past the opening scene.  I don’t know how you write a review on something you haven’t seen.  It’s like walking into Disneyland and seeing the tunnels under the train tracks and then walking out and saying, “It was the worst park I have ever seen!   All that was there was a stroller stand, a bunch of turnstiles, a cheesy souvenier stand, a  train station that you couldn’t get up to.  It was the worst $70.00 I ever spent.  I only stayed there for 5 minutes because there was nothing to do!   But then again,  people coming in to see quality aren’t going to see it.

But if you want to waste an hour watching something REALLY bad, this is it.  And if you absolutely HATE Twilight, this will remind you of all the reasons they hate it.   So whether you’re NOT team Edwin or NOT team Jack,  if you hated Twilight, this is why.  It’s out on Netflix “Watch Instantly” now.

Warner Bros. Pictures,  Mark Platt Productions

Bruce Willis, Tracy Morgan, Juan Carlos Hernandez, Cory Fernandez, Ana de la Reguera, Jason Hurt, Jeff LIma, Sean Cullen, Kevin Pollak, Adam Brody, Guillermo Diaz

Cop Out is a pretty decent “buddy cop” movie like many before.  But it does have some real laughs, lots of action, and some fairly new premises.  Jimmy Monroe (Willis) is the tired old cop, the bad cop, and he’s partnered with Paul (or Paah-oool as his Mexican girlfriend calls him) (Morgan), the black cop and nice guy partner who is obsessed with playing the bad cop, but only quotes movie lines.  (Isn’t this Riggs and Murtaugh from whole Lethal Weapon series?  Yeah, well it pretty much is, and it’s not quite as memorable as Lethal Weapon by any means.

But Willis is getting pretty good at playing the divorce Dad crotchety old cop.   And Tracy Morgan did an excellent job putting away the “Hi, I’m Brian Fellows” routine and playing an action hero cop pretty well.  I haven’t watched 30 Rock, but maybe he got some of his acting skills from there?

Anyway,  as in all buddy cop movies, they screw up and get kicked off the force, and lo and behold, they keep on investigating just like nothing happened.   Monroe (Willis) has a daughter about to be married and his plan to pay for the wedding (so his wife’s new husband doesn’t show him up) is to hawk a first edition baseball card that is worth a fortune.   Unfortunately at the right place at the wrong time, the card gets stolen.  Turns out the evil ones this time are Mexican gangs, and the stories intertwine.

There’s some shooting and some running and fast driving, and a few mishaps that are turned into some slapstick humor, but all in all it’s a decent buddy film and probably worth the spot as a rental in your queue.

Kevin Smith (Silent Bob) directed this movie, so naturally Jason Lee pops up in a small role, but a memorable one.   Fred Armisen of SNL fame also shows up playing Russian lawyer, and it’s dreadfully funny how BAD it is.   All in all, it looks like they had a ball making this movie, which may be why I enjoyed watching it.   It’s not classic cinema, but it’s a fun time watching the screwed up partnership try to survive.

A few really good laughs.   Give it a try.